2nd to last A/C

Hi,
I just completed my second to last chemo infusion. I just looked up the definition of the word infusion. There is the typical meaning of a slow injection into the vein or tissue, but also it means the introduction of a new element or quality in something. That is my experience with being diagnosed with cancer. A new element and quality. I have been forced to get free. It's the old saying either sink or float. When I find myself sinking into the mire of self pity I have had to take some serious action. For the last 12 years of my 16 years sober i have been practicing the 12 steps on a daily basis. They are amazing. Not only have I remained sober from a fatal disease of alcoholism, but I have had the opportunity to face and be rid of wreckage as it comes up, including cancer.

When I arrived at the Infusion center today, I wanted to leave so bad. Everything in me wanted to run. I felt sick, resentful, and extremely fearful. I just felt like I couldn't take another round of this shit.
Anyhow, I was in tears and once again I had to whip out pen and paper and get those fears down on paper. As I was surrendering my resentments and fears I was able to remain in the infusion center and get the chemo.
I am so glad because I do have a desire to live and be free of anything that limits me in this life.
Cancer has been a rude and awesome awakening of what I want to be free of.
Thank God for Kevin and Amelia being there with me assisting me to make it through another round. And Thank you to everyone for staying tuned on FB, coming over to help, watching Kaitlin, bringing love and life to me in the face of seemingly death.
I am so grateful to you all.
P.S. I hope i don't bore you with this blog.
xoxo,
Nicole