New From Nicole

I just read Andy Pohl's interview and once again was warmed with gratitude. This whole cancer thing has been an real trip. It's been a year since the diagonois. Sometimes it seems like eternity and other days, it seems like no time at all.
I recently went back to my yoga teacher Katchie Ananda, after thinking I would never do yoga again. I couldn't grasp that I had cancer, after being vegan for 10 years, sober 17, and practicing and teaching yoga for several years. It just didn't make sense. Which is my experience with cancer. It just doesn't make sense, and through surrendering major resentments, driven by a 100 forms of fear, I have finally come to the place of " fuck it". "Fuck it" in the best, freest nature possible. I was becoming obsessed and super rigid with the food I ate (primarily raw), and rigid with Kaitlin, and what she ate. What began to happen was total bondage and isolation. So with paining over trying to be super healthy, I have recently found a new freedom in completely letting go, by getting rid of my fears that were running riot. Thank god for this, because the fears were going to kill me, not the cancer.

I have been forced to really be in the present moment, and found out that this is all that really exist. It is to easy to get caught up in fears about the future, based on the wreckage of the past.

I am glad to be sitting here on the computer, not thinking about anything but written this blog. It has taken a lot of work to get here, and the assistance I have received from YOU, everyone, has helped me so much along this awesome path.

Thank you!

Nicole

Nicole writes from Hippocrates

Hi everybody! I've been meaning to write about my experience on the flight to west palm beach. The flight was originally scheduled to land in w. Palm beach, but due to a storm they had us circling in the air outside the airport for an hour. Gas was running low, so we had to fly to Miami to fuel up. People were beginning to freak out, fears were running wild, plans were taking another turn. The poor guy in the row next to me had been praying the entire flight.

Once landed in Miami, no one was allowed to exit. So we were all stuck together in the same boat. Cell phones whipped out, people were anxious and standing up. It was actually kind of cool. After some complaining finished, there was nothing left to do but talk to those around you. In the 45 mins we were stuck on ground I had the best time listening to others talk about themselves, where they were from, what they did for work, or just whatever. It was such an uplift talking with others. A unity came from a annoying disturbance. It was the best part of the flight!
I kind of feel this way about my cancer. It's a huge disturbing annoyance from my day to day routine, but as a result I feel more unity and compassion with everybody.

Thank you for showing me so much love in so many awesome ways! I am Very grateful.

Nicole

Bye, Bye Chemotherapy

Today was the last day of Chemotherapy. That does not mean Nicole will be suddenly feeling spectacular, but the last of the poison has been infused and now it's only a few short weeks until she heads to Hippocrates Health Center in West Palm Beach, FL. Then a few weeks after that our big show in Petaluma.

I want to tell each and everyone of you that has helped us, watched Kaitlin, brought food, called, emailed, facebooked, text messaged, thought good thoughts, prayed, sent donations, and generally just loved us: THANK YOU! To say I have not shed my share of tears, yelled, kicked, screamed, been stuck in self pity, and had a few laughs at this situation would be a lie. What I have come to realize is that for every emotion I have had, I have also had someone to share it with. I am one fortunate man. Just to put it on the record: I would walk to the ends of the earth to help each and every one of you if that time comes.

I absolutely need to thank Nicole's Mom Paula LeVeck. She has made the trek down from Stockton to watch Kaitlin during almost every one of Nicole's infusions. This is a long drive to take care of one active two year old. We were not always outwardly grateful to Paula, in fact, many weeks we were frustrated, irritated, arguing with each other, and just generally unhappy. Paula has been an absolute rock, and while I know that being here for her daughter was also meaningful to her, she deserves our deepest gratitude. She also deserves a very personal thank you from me, for listening to me complain and never once judging me for my over reactions or anger.

And my parents, who have a lot going on for retired people. Thank you for being there, especially this last weekend, when I really needed some time to myself.

This has been an extremely trying 5 months for everyone at our house, but most of all Nicole. She has been the living definition of grace under pressure. Kaitlin knows mommy is not feeling well, but has not once had a lack of love and attention. Fact: Nicole got 2hrs of chemo today, and is reading books and giggling with Kaitlin right now.

On to phase 2.

Photos by Amelia

These photo's were taken over two days during the very beginning of Nicole's treatment. Our dear friend Amelia Kennedy is the photographer. I don't think captions are necessary.

So long for now hair...

Today Nicole let our friend Rachel shave what was left of her hair. The good news is it will grow back, likely thicker than ever. This photo was taken tonight with her newly acquired bandana (thanks again Rachel). When I look at this photo I understand the words beauty and grace in a whole new way.

Events

As I mentioned before, there are two events planned to help offset the cost of some of the treatments that are not covered, co-pays, etc. The first one is at Satori Yoga Studio in San Francisco, March 13th, 1-3pm. See previous post for details. The second is going to be at the Arlene Francis Center for Spirit, Art & Politics In Santa Rosa on June 25th. The Event in SR is shaping up to be monumental! Confirmed So Far, The Velvet Teen, Jeff Ott, The 50/50's. Ton's of great auction and raffle items, a community yoga class taught by the woman of the hour herself, Nicole Trust me there will be some surprises at this one. Very Exciting Stuff!!!

Acupuncture & Nausea

In preparation of her infusion, Nicole went to see David Melly on Monday for acupuncture. The results have been amazing. This is by no means a scientific study, but by Thursday of last week, she could barely move she was so sick. Today She as at the beach with Kaitlin.

BRCA1 Mutation

We found out that Nicole has the BRCA1 Mutation.

This has some long term effects including increased chances of relapse, etc. However, knowing this information allows Nicole to increase her screening and make adjustments to her lifestyle.

Go to wikipedia to find out more about BRCA1

What we know

As many of you know, Nicole was diagnosed with stage 2, triple negative breast cancer on Friday November 19th. We are in good hands with Dr's Rugo & Ewing at UCSF Breast Center in San Francisco. Nicole is in good spirits, and received her first of 8 infusions in chemotherapy round 1 today.

A bit of background for those that don't know much about Nicole. She is 37 yrs old, 16 years sober, does not smoke, and is a vegan & yoga instructor. She is active and spends most of her time with our 2 year old daughter Kaitlin. I urge all women to get checked regularly. We could not have seen this coming in a million years.